Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I Was Never Confused

Poor old Matty. I think his life in Tehran has been somewhat sheltered.

Let me explain. A few nights ago a visit to The World Bar resulted in a drunken gay man making a pass at me and my Buxton friend Danny.

We had to let him down gently.

"We're not gay. Neither of us" we professed.

"Oh, you are so boring" said the Only Gay In The Village (he was from Wales actually), "You are both such poofs" he slurred.

Later on that evening, the Welsh bloke ended up in our room, sharing a bed with a girl friend (not, obviously a girlfriend) as he was too drunk to get home to his own hostel. Nothing wrong with that; I've shared a bed with a woman before on a strictly platonic basis.

But this confused Matty greatly.

"I don't understand this" he said "Why would a gay man sleep with a woman?"
"Because they know nothing could happen" I explained
"But if nothing could happen, then why would they sleep together?" he asked

The following night the same girl brought home another man. This time the result was completely different. There was no doubt this man was not gay.

Poor old Chris on the top bunk was rocked awake, and I was woken up by the noises. I won't go into detail suffice to say that I really needed the toilet and had to wait until it was all finished before I dare move.

I was tempted to reach for the guitar and knock out a few wah-wah licks to accompany the action, but couldn't see how big the bloke was and didn't want to get lamped.

The next morning Matty was even more confused.

Matty: Did you hear the gay man and the woman? They were having sex. I told you!

Me: It was a different man

Matty A different man? Oh. Now I understand. So this different man is gay too?

Me: No!

Matty: How do you know?

Me: Because they were having sex

Matty: But the gay man and the woman had sex two nights ago

Me: No, they didn't Matty. They are just friends

Matty: Then why are they sleeping together?

Me: Because he was drunk

Matty: But the man last night was drunk...

And off it went round and round.....

The girl in question was mortified when she found out we had all heard. "But I was soooo quiet" she said. And that's true. She was quiet. But she was also 4 feet from everyone. And when someone turns over, farts, snores, sneezes or coughs, you hear it.

So when, in the throes of passion, someone whispers "Go easy. You're going to wake everybody up..."

....you usually wake people up.

I'll post the video in a few days. The Sun just need to clear it with legal.

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