Russ Abbott's Mad House

It's been quite a week at The Pink House. We've not had one or two, but three guests who have tested the patience of the staff and residents alike.


Mr Tumnus

They arrived in order proportional to the havoc they were to create. First up an Australian who we started referring to as Mr Tumnus an account of his resemblance to the half-man-half-fawn creature in CS Lewis's The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. His slightly " just popped in from the magical forest" look, with his curly hair, doe-eyes and fluffy goatee beard belied a brutish, drunken lout and a man who instigated himself into conversation by bellowing loudly about his achievements, and punctuating his proclamations with lager-fuelled belches.

It wasn't long before he'd upset Martin from Germany and incurred the wrath of Emma too, by constantly referring to her as "sweetie" and "chick" and other patronising nicknames. Emma, despite firing back a string of well-proportioned invective, only succeeded in eliciting the response "You Pommies need to learn how to take a joke....Jeez"

Actually, his problem was that he was just drunk. And over the next few days he altered his behaviour accordingly.


Mrs Brown

This couldn't be said of the next two guests. Bizarrely, an 81 year old woman bowled up to the house armed with nothing much other than a tartan shopping trolley and a rain hat. When Manager Miranda told us of this, naturally we assumed that, even at 81, this woman must be reasonably independent, perhaps in good nick for her age. Maybe a golden oldie, or a silver surfer.

But no. We were shocked. Mrs Brown was 81, but looked 801. A cross between Yoda and Gollum it beggered belief how she had got here. Rapidly Miranda realised that something was fishy, and aside from the contents of her handbag.

The next morning the old lady was to leave, in order to free it up for two other people who had booked it (both a respectable 20 something). But that's when the problems started. First it was clear she was having problems actually getting out of the bed and second when she had vacated the room the staff discovered that whilst she had been to the toilet in the night, she hadn't bothered to get out of bed to do so.

A fuller picture was beginning to emerge and Miranda decided to call the Social Services. The old woman was long gone after calling a taxi - but how did she afford it? And where did she go? We immediately began postulating what could have happened. Had she escaped from an old folks home? Had wandered out of a hospital?

The task of cleaning the room still remained. Step in Franc who had already snapped on thick crimson Marigolds earning him comparisons to Frank N Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He binned all the sheets and set up a open gas hob to burn off the smell.

Long after she had left the mystery of the old woman remained in the air. And so did the smell.


God Almighty

Then, the most challenging guest of all wandered in. Oh yes, this man was to test the patience of all. I first found out about him thus:

Miranda: He's back
Me: Who
Miranda: "He" is. "Him".

Her vague pronouns confused me. How bad is it when someone is referred to, simply as, "him".
No one knows his real name or where he comes from because he changes it on a daily basis, but the man who calls himself Ava is banned from every hostel in King's Cross on account of him being a nutter.

The only reason he is at the Pink House is that Aidan was on reception the day he checked in and, unfortunately, knew nothing about him. Short of having a wanted poster saying "Warning - Do Not Give This Man A Room", there's not much we can do.

Dressed in all white and with a mobile handsfree kit permanently jammed in his ear, he is a violent Christian Fundamentalist with the emphasis on the mentalist. He makes loud proclamations, even when on his own, can clear a courtyard in 5 minutes and when told to shut up, claims that he's busy talking to God and that you are forgiven. He lies about his name, his nationality and generally confunds people with his off-kilter statements and increasingly madcap utterances.

Yet, until he actually does anything wrong it's difficult to evict him. However, it didn't take long last time he was here, so here's hoping.

I suggested getting on the hostel tannoy and announcing "Oooooh.... Ava....this is God speaking.....please leave The Pink House......thanks bye......"