Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Unlucky Dip

As assortment of non-sequiturs and meandering monologues, loosely drawn together under one tenuous banner. More random than picking a dice out of a lucky dip in a roulette wheel and then throwing it at a one-armed bandit.

1. Cluedo has landed in The Pink House and nobody appears to be very good at it. Yesterday nobody won. As in no one guessed the correct combination of weapon, location and murderer. That's really bad.

This is because no one ever really concentrates in the Pink House. They're distracted by the TV, or an iPod, or most often another conversation. Raj is particularly guilty of this. When pressed for a Cluedo "accusation" the other day he said, in a Cockney accent:

"Yeah, I fink it was Mr Custard in the thing wiv the thing"

2. Franc is a master of the barbed put-down. When I informed him of my plan to woo a fellow hostel inmate by talking her for a scenic walk, he said: "Who the fuck are you, Jane Austen?"

3. Nicknames are commonplace in the Pink House. In fact, it's like Grange Hill in here at the moment. I keep expecting a sausage on a fork to hove into shot accompanied by the "wan-it-wow-wow" sound effect. So, in no particular order, here are some monikers and an attempt to explain their origins:

Goonie Pig is so called because she drinks of a lot of goon. So much so that it's almost an experiment to see what happens to someone who drinks so much. Like a Guinea Pig. Except with goon. Hence Goonie Pig.

Raj: Remember the two trendy Indian kids in Goodness Gracious Me played by Sanjeev Bhaskar and Kulvinder Ghir ("kiss my chuddies"). That's Raj. He is so trendy that it's only fair we give him the most normal, pedestrian, mundane nickname. Thus Raj Anandanesan becomes Reg Anderson. He hates it. That's why we use it.

Brian and Franc: In the same way as Brad and Angelina became known as Brangelina, and Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner became known as Bennifer, Brian and Franc are known as Branc. As in "what does Branc think?"

Assorted Nicknames:

Other nicknames include Uncle Slam, some bloody American who wouldn't stop slamming the pissing door. Niels from Germany was known as Herr Flick, as he really did look like the Gestapo officer from 'Allo 'Allo and Simon was known as Whinge Commander Hawkes on account of his tendency to moan about everything.

Also, any collection of people with a common characteristic are known as Team...... so for example Team Canada, Team Austria, Team Germany. Andy and Jamie were known as Team Smith an account of them both having the same surname. When Richie, Raj and Dave knock about together they are known as Team Rave (it's an amalgam of all of their names). Occasional fourth member Chris sometimes makes it Team Crave. And when, due to unforseen circumstances, Raj and Richie pull out to replaced by Miranda, this makes it Team Mavis

Yours Truly

Embarrassed to admit it, but my nickname is actually very positive. I am called The Oracle. This is because early on I managed to establish myself as the house smart arse/know-it-all. People often use me as a repository for useless information, and when playing Trivial Pursuit they steer well clear. Could be worse I suppose.

The thing is these nicknames are used freely. A typical tannoy announcement may sound thus:

"The following peope owe rent: Branc, Room 5. Goonie, Room 1. Reg Anderson, Room 9. The Oracle, Room 1. Team Canada, Room 7"

4. I've had my head shaved again. Franc has been doing a sterling job with the clippers. Had a shock yesterday though. Whilst shaving my head he announced jokingly, "Don't look at my crotch. I haven't got any underwear on and these shorts are a bit baggy".

But as he was concentrating on ironing out what he called my "Friar's Fringe", Dave from Donegal had sneaked up behind him and whipped down his shorts. And, no, he wasn't wearing any pants.

I know this because I was about 8 inches away. It will haunt me forever.

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