Come Fly With Me

The QANTAS safety instructional video striked an alarmingly reproachful tone:

"Ladies and Gentlemen. There now follows a short safety demonstration. I know you're probably going to ignore it, and if you do you're an idiot.

I mean, do you know where you lifejacket is? What do you mean 'yes'? No you don't. You don't have a clue.

Where are the safety exits? This woman isn't stood here waving her arms about for a laugh you know.

What about oxygen masks? Yeah, what about them, eh? You don't give a shit do you? You're reading the inflight magazine aren't you? Trying to work out if you've got Miss Potter on this flight, or Casino Royale. You all make me sick.

In fact, just leave. Do it. Just get out."

And apart from one attractive Japanese woman, the stewardesses were the ugliest I'd ever seen. Think Gillian McKeith after a month under a sunbed. There was more leather on that plane than in a DFS warehouse.

It was also the longest bumpy flight I'd ever had. So much so that half way through the night, whilst people were all wearing their blankets, socks and eyemasks, the driver woke everybody up and asked them to put on their seatbelts.

Disconcertingly, the pilot sounded like Richie Benaud and the first officer's name was Glenn. Which is only one step away from Bruce in my book