Doesn't quite work, that , does it? Never mind.
Here are some random observations about Oz. I'm like Clive James only in reverse:
1. Pedestrian crossings make the weirdest noise - like the ,sound effects from a 1980s Space Invader game. They go pzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeuuuuu-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit.
I keep thinking I've been given 20 bonus points for hitting the mothership, or that I've picked up an extra shield.
2. I am surprised at how English everything is. People here say "Ta", and understand irony and wit. Their three most requested videos on their music station were Muse, Arctic Monkeys and Kaiser Chiefs.
On TV in between watching The Catherine Tate Show and Little Britain I saw an advert for Spooks, Parkinson and Primeval (shit ITV Dr Who clone). Kristy's boyfriend, Alan, says he loves The Office and Top Gear.
Well, there is a Queen on their money, and a Union Jack in their flag, I suppose.
3. There are bats here. Giant bats. A few nights back we went out on to Alan's roof to have a look at them. They were as big as golfing umbrellas. And to think I moaned about the mosquitoes.
4. It hit me the other night: for the first time in my life, I am in the Southern Hemisphere. I realised when I looked up at the stars and didn't recognise any of them. No Plough. No Great Bear. No Pole Star. Here the most recognisable constellation is the Crux Australis, or Southern Cross.
It's in the South and it's in the shape of a cross. Clever, the Australians, aren't they?
5. Aussies have their own brand of superhardcore suncream. Such is the heat from the Sun out here, your Piz Buin and Nivea Spray On are about as much use as a Nesquik. I have bought Australian Cancer Council's very own potion. It's like Dulux Emulsion and if you don't rub it in properly you look like you have leprosy.
6. Despite Kristy arguing to the contrary, it strikes me that Australians are very fond of peas. On the first day I was perusing some menus down on Circular Quay (by Sydney OH) and came across a spag bol. Ingredients: spaghetti, chopped tomatoes, garlic, shallots and peas. Strange. Moved along to the next cafe. This time it was penne amatriciana. Ingredients: penne, tomatoes, bacon, onion, garlic and peas.
Last night, down on Coogee BayRd, I came across a restaurant called Thai Me Up. Hilarious. On their menu a green curry. Ingredients: noodles, chicken, peppers, bamboo and bloody peas again.
Enough with the peas.
7. The weather here is so changeable. Like it can monsoon it down in an apocalyptic fashion and 30 seconds later it will be burning the skin of your forehead. Yesterday part of my forehead came away. It's now the colour of a London telephone box.